But when I really sit down and think about the events leading up to the decision to take a break from men, it becomes clear as day to me the reason why I've had such difficulty fully committing myself to a man who'd be willing to be with me knowing I had a child that wasn't his. Throughout the years I've casually dated and befriended men who I knew wanted more then just friendship. There was even one I thought would be the one who'd finally break this terrible cycle of mine--the one I finally felt the courage and faith to give my heart to. But as soon as fear started to set in of history repeating itself and the thoughts of the possibility of having to deal with the pain of being lied to and betrayed again went far too deep for me to bare. I'd shut myself down again and use any excuse in the book to push who ever it was out of my life.
I didn't talk about it much because most of my friends didn't seem to understand how deeply scarred I was when her father did the things he did. He did everything a man with no morals or respect would do. He cheated, lied and caused me the biggest embarrassment of my life.
I've kept myself so busy during the past few years: finishing my B.A. degree, working full time, and spending every other single free moments with my little girl, refusing to let anyone take that time away from her. For so many years, I felt it was my duty to do just this. After all she didn't ask to be born into a world where she'd be surrounded by kids her own age, that are being raised by both a mom and a dad.
I knew from the very beginning of my pregnancy that my journey to becoming a mom for the first time, would be one I'd experience on my own. It became clear as a sharp blowing whistle, when the day after I refused to have an abortion I found out that he was on his way out of New Jersey to his native country of Costa Rica with a one-way ticket in hand. There won't ever be any words that can describe the level of anger, confusion and resentment I felt in that very moment upon hearing those words from a friend of his. The so-called "man" got up and left the country and didn't even have an ounce of decency in him to call or write me a note telling me himself. He let his friend do the dirty work for him.
Here I was, a scared 20-year old college student who had just found out she was 6-weeks pregnant and the one person that should have been her biggest support hopped on a plan with a one-way ticket to another country! I've never felt more hurt, betrayed and humiliated in my entire life. Even worse, I blamed myself for being blinded from seeing the true human being he was, and for not being careful when we were together. It was bad enough that he got up and ran, leaving me to deal with my pregnancy alone. But into my second trimester, news broke of his infidelity with numerous women, one of which was someone I had considered a friend.
The second time I've dealt with this kind of betrayal. It wasn't long after that I found out through his relatives and close friends, that he had a fiance in Costa Rica for over five years who he had intended to marry that summer. Some even claiming he already had been married. The worst part of it all was the embarrassment and shame of knowing that there were people around me, mutual friends (or so I thought) that knew of his wrong doing and secret life, and still no one cared enough or respected me enough to say a thing. So during a time in my life where I should have been enjoying my 1st pregnancy (which by the way was a good one thankfully) and living in joy and harmony each day.
I spent the next 8-months preparing for single mommy-hood and working double time to finish as many classes at college that I could so I could get my degree faster and be able to get a better job. All while working 30-35 hrs a week at what was supposed to be a part time job against my doctor's & family's wishes. In a way, keeping myself so busy kept me sane and in one piece and helped me to keep my mind off of what he did to me. There were times to be honest, where I felt at any given moment that I'd have a nervous breakdown because of the level of emotions that flowed within me on a daily basis. If it weren't for my family, close friends and little girl growing inside of me, I'm not sure I would have been able to survive my ordeal.
It was that very day over 7-years ago now that I made a emotional deep-hearted pact to myself that I was never going to let a man hurt or embarrass me like that again. Here I am, two years shy of my 30th birthday and still dealing with the emotional aftermath of the events leading up to my life as single mom. The past few years has been a constant battle of one hardship, challenge and heart-break after another, including the tragic loss of one of the best person's I've ever known--my close friend Heather. I felt all the horrible things that have happened to me up to that point had to be for a reason, whatever it was I wanted to survive and turn it into something good and positive. I felt it my heart that even though, for as long as I could remember my life has been a constant battle of finding the happiness, love, peace and success that seemed to only exist in my mind, that maybe God did have a good plan for me. That these things were coming into my life to prepare me for the wonderful life purpose I was meant to live, and that at the end my fairytale life would end just like any other....with a happy ending.
Despite all I have been through, I still believe in love and that there are good men out there and that God had one put aside just for me. I'm starting to think that's why its' partly the reason I've waited so long, having the feeling of "knowing" that he was out there for me. That when we were both ready to find one another, that somehow we'd cross each other's path and just know we were meant to be. I have hoped all these years that there was truth to every one of these words. For I was now a mother and tired of all the games and dishonesty that came from men my age unwilling to commit, and feared that by rushing into a relationship to fill my empty hole of loneliness, that I'd fall into the same vicious cycle of being with someone who didn't value or respect who I was. I wanted true love, honesty, loyalty, respect and support from someone who would love me and my daughter the way we deserved. But I knew in order to attract that into my life that I needed to love myself first and let go of the anger and resentment I still carried deeply by those who have hurt me in the past.
So as I embark on my new journey of self-discovery that will hopefully soon lead to my new life chapter, where only long-lasting success, happiness, wealth, great health, love, peace and abundance exists. That all my fears of falling in love with the wrong man again will become a thing of the past among many other things. It will be a miraculous day for me when I can look back at my past, and what I have endured and mean every word when I say, "All the pain, tears, heart-break, devastation, betrayal and sadness in my pass was all worth it, because it became the driving force in leading me to become the person I am today. The exact person I had envisioned in my mind of who I hoped one day to be."
Believer in Miracles & Proud Single Mom,
Jessica F.
Throughout the past few years, I've dated here and there and befriended guys who were clearly interested in something more then just friendship. But the moment it became to hard to pretend I didn't notice how they felt I
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