Than there are those of the single parent population who fall prey to the negativity that surrounds them, and let the stress of their present challenges and hardships break them down, and get the best of them. They end up losing hope and faith that there soon will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and that things will get better if they believe it will. All while their precious children, and young teenagers have to sit back and watch as their mom or dad, and sole provider & protector get weared down physically and emotionally from the everyday pressures of providing for the family.
Single parents not only have to face the stress of their daily challenges alone, but they have to find a way to care and provide for their families. The challenge of raising a family alone automatically becomes 10x harder, than those families being raised by a couple in the same household. What some don't realize is how the demanding daily cycle of running a single parent household is already a huge task for anyone to take on. But when you have unexpected circumstances come-up, it can really wear down an already exhausted single parent who would give her left kidney if it meant she'd get at least some relief of stress in his and her life.
Well, I decided to explore this topic a bit further after my interview a few weeks ago on Dr. Moore's and Dr. Steve's blog radio show to promote "Single Parenthood: NJ" upcoming reality show. The topic discussed was "Single Parent & Stress", and I just couldn't stop thinking about how this past year has been my most challenging and stressful one since becoming a single parent seven years ago. The past twelve months have consisted of so many highs and lows that I've lost count at how many more highs there have been than lows. I was laid off in October of last year unexpectedly, right after I decided to take a leap of faith of pursuing one of my dreams of a career as a writer, show creator and producer.
It was the biggest risk that I've taken in all my life being that I was a single mom raising my daughter alone with no child support at the time, and very little support from my family in regards to my career change. I was about to finish the necessary credentials to obtain my B.A. degree in Paralegal studies, and my family argued that at my age it was too late to begin chasing a dream that to them was obviously too big, and seemly impossible. But even though my unemployment status came totally unexpected, I decided to focus on the positive in the negative. Instead of letting the stress, and anguish of not being able to sign another lease on my beautiful 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, loft, 2-level apartment, I decided to look at it as a blessing in the fact that it gave me the chance to focus on my dream full-time. So I packed up more than half of our belonging in a 10 x 13 storage cell, and moved back home with my parents; hoping and praying that my instincts wouldn't prove me wrong. I had convinced myself that there was a reason why these events happened in the time that they did, and that as long as I stayed focused on the positive things will work out better than expected.
So here I am a year later, and following many sleepless nights, desperate tears and cries for help, heart felt prayers, and self-positive talk. It is with my belief, in all honesty, that I'm in the final stages of this difficult life journey, and will soon transition into my new life where all this past years hard work will pay off. It wasn't easy staying focused on my goals throughout the year. In fact, throughout this process I discovered a level of strength in me that I never knew I had. So if there's one thing I can share with all single moms and dads out there who feel they've reached their lowest point in life, and that things can't possibly get worse it would be simple: Please don't let the negative emotions from stress bring you down. Instead draw strength from it as motivation to rise above your current circumstances in a positive way. Remember that a quitter never wins or succeeds in life, but a winner never quits. True story....lol You are never alone in your struggles. There are millions of other single parents just like you who are going through the same thing.
In an effort, to assist single parents in reducing stress. Especially those who are struggling through these tough economic times, and/or the daily demands of raising a family on your own. I've put together a few of my own tips and ideas for reducing stress as a single parent. This past year, my own stress levels have been at an all time high, and since heart and diabetes disease run in my family, I knew I had to find a way to reduce stress if I wanted to live a long life. So I began researching different techniques, and ways of reducing stress in order to help me stay focused on the goals I was working towards.
So here they are from a NJ Latina single mom who knows first-hand how it is to be faced with the world's greatest challenges......raising a family on your own. I hope they help many find the stress-relief and peace of mind that they have helped me find during moments of high stress.
My Own Personal Tips of Reducing Single-Parent Stress:
Tip # 1: Ask for Help Now! Find Support:
This past year I've talked to and received emails from so many single parents, and couples from different backgrounds who have openly shared some of their struggles on raising a family in this tough economy. A lot of these parents are unemployed, and are facing the most difficult challenge so many of us are currently facing in America right now--finding a decent paying job. Some have managed to find a way to stay focused, and stay strong during these difficult times, and others are slowly wasting away and letting the stress of these hard times get the best of them.
What I have discovered is that most single parent who have fallen prey to the emotional and physical consequences that comes with living a high-stressed life, are the ones who stubbornly refuse, or fear asking for support. What I want all single parents to know is that. One of the biggest lessons I have learned since becoming a single mom is that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that indicates your true inner strength, and it's so wrong to be ashamed of that. I used to think that asking for help meant showing I was weak, and helpless. That people would judge me and think I was trying to take advantage of those willing to help me as an easy way out of whatever I was going through.
For so long, I let my stubbornness and pride take over and keep me from taking advantage of the help that was in front of me. But the moment I began embracing the blessing of the great family/friend support system around me, I realized just how much of the current stress in my life I had contributed to with just merely my own actions. If only you could imagine the great relief I felt in releasing those negative notions, and finally accepting the fact that I needed help and there was no way around it. I immediately felt the difference no lie. I began sleeping and eating better, and I felt like my daily routine was much more balanced.
So if I could only give ONE piece of advice to a single parent in need of stress-relief, out of all the techniques I've learned through my own experiences as a single mom. It would definitely be this one. No matter how much pride you feel or no matter how stubborn you are......Ask for Help & Find Support Now. I know that's easier said than done, but trust me when I tell you. The rewards at the end will be worth it. Get help from family and friends you trust. Don't worry about creating a burden on them, or what others may think. If they really care about you and your children, and are true friends. They'll gladly help you regardless of what's going on in their lives, and do it unconditionally.
It's during the tough moments in your life where you figure out who your true friends and caring family members are, so don't waste time and just take that leap of faith and just do it. Make that phone call, knock on that door, or ring that damn bell. If they turn they're back on you than you know where they stand, and just move on to the next person. Now you know not to waste your time and approach that person (s) the second time around. You'll be shooting down two stones with one, and you have a right to grab some relief from that...trust me. They'll realize at some point in their life how wrong they were somehow. But it's not up to you to make them see that. It's up to God and the Universe to show them that lesson. If you find it hard still to take action after facing this reality, then think about your children. You owe it to them and to your own well-being to at least try.
If you are in a situation, where you aren't surrounded by family or friends you trust. Or those you thought would help have turned their backs on you. Believe me when say, "You are not alone." There are thousands, if not millions of single parents who are in the same boat as you. Find a single parent support group in your area, and if there isn't one take the steps to start one in your home (I'll post a few ideas on here about that soon). Try and get involved at your children's school activities, or join the PTO so you can mingle with other parents in your area. Who knows....a simple conversation could lead to a life-long friendship. Attend church groups, talk to neighbors, research online for stories and articles written by single parents themselves who have found the courage to write about their own experiences, network on facebook, myspace, mommy blogs. Any type of connection or interaction that allows you to be around those who understand what you are going through, are willing to offer on-going support without judgement or just listen to you vent is enough.
Tip #2: Stay Positive No Matter What! Never, Ever Give-up Hope!:
Life for every human being is never easy. Even for those who are born with a silver spoon in their mouths. No matter the current circumstances, or how bad things get please remember one thing. You must always find a way to remain positive no matter what. There's a reason why you are going through the financial and emotional difficulties that you are currently facing. You must believe and have faith that there is a light at the end of this struggle. That when one door closes, another one will open. It is up to you to figure out what that reason is and letting the emotions of negativity take control is just going to keep you from moving forward with a positive solution and outcome.
Your thoughts and emotions create your reality. It's what the "Law of Attraction" is all about believe it or not. So instead of thinking about the things you don't have, find a way to focus on the things you want and what you want the outcome to be. One of the ways, I've mastered the technique of staying positive is by reading self-help books, attending seminars, speaking events, practicing meditation, affirmations, and visualizing techniques. I've also learned that surrounding yourself by positive people who have achieved great things and success in their lives, is a great way to stay in the "Positive". We can be easily influenced by those we surround ourselves by, and I believe we all feed off peoples energies the moment we make contact. So why not make it a good experience by being around people who can inspire us, and give us hope?
It doesn't matter how crazy your dreams, or ideas are in regards to what you want in life. I've found a lot of truth through all my learning experiences in the saying that "Anythings possible if you believe in yourself, and believe in your dreams.". I've been hearing that through most of my child hood and teen years, yet it took me 27-years to fully grasp and embrace that concept into my own life. But hey, like I said before. There's a reason why it took me this long. I wouldn't be so passionate about what I'm doing today, if it weren't for the life challenges I have been through. So never lose sight of this, stay positive, have faith and never, ever give-up.
Tip #3: Maintain a Daily Routine:
Many parenting experts will agree that incorporating a daily routine for both yourself, and family is key to helping keep stress levels down in any type of household. So even if your crazy schedule changes from time to time, try and maintain a steady schedule of meals, bedtimes, and other family functions. If necessary, use the available support around you to help maintain this routine. That way your kids get used to it, and know what to expect each day. Because they'll feel more secure in their household, they will be less likely to put up a fight because it won't be anything new to them. Which means evenings at home after a long day of work will be less hectic and of course.....less stressful.
Tip #4: Manage Your Finances Properly. Be Realistic:
If you are anything like me than you are probably convinced that there is no greater stress reliever than speeding over to the nearest Macy's, Marshall's, or Target's store for some much needed "Shopping Therapy". There's nothing wrong with this by no means, but when we're raising a family on one income and minimal or no child support to pay bills it can be when parenting alone.
So before you rush to spend money on luxuries that you don't necessarily need (let's keep it real now!), take the steps to budget your income accordingly to ensure that all the necessary household bills have been taken care of for the month. This includes: rent/mortgage, utility, cable, phone, Internet, groceries, credit card/loan payments (if any), activity/membership fees, daycare/school tuition, car payments, car insurance, savings**, etc. )
***Now I speak from personal experience when I say that there's no worse feeling in the world when the unexpected happens and after paying all the household bills no money is left over to cover the unexpected expense. Whether its your car suddenly needing a tune-up, or new brakes. Or you are once again heading back to court for unpaid child support or visitation, and need funds for an attorney. Or you suddenly start experiencing extreme toothache, and than come to find out you need a root canal done, but have no dental insurance. Or something as small as your child needing a new pair of sneakers. Whatever the situation it is always smart to have a certain amount go into savings each pay period. As a cushion, to prepare for the unexpected expenses that might arise. It's also a great way to save for family vacation, or a special treat for yourself as a reward.
As a single parent raising a child without any child support, I always slept better at night knowing that I had a savings account with enough money to cover a few unexpected costs if needed.
So no matter how much money you can set aside and save do it. Because as time goes by a little amount here and there goes along way, and really starts adding up after some time. I began looking at my savings as a bill that needed to be paid every two weeks. Once I got used to that notion I no longer dreaded parting ways with the extra money that could go into my wallet and allow me that extra nail salon trip, or new shoes I've been wanting to buy for a few weeks now.
If you want to save for specific times of the year, most banking institutions offer a holiday and vacation club accounts that many swear by in getting through these tough times. Most only require a minimum of $5 to start and on a certain date allotted or picked by you, the funds will be either automatically transferred into your checking or savings account, or a check will be mailed directly to you. It's a great way to plan ahead for the holidays, birthday's and other important yearly events.
It is also important that as head of household, you try and set aside some money early on for college and future retirement. Visit your local bank or credit union branch to learn more about their long-term investment plan. Now a days, they have programs for every type of family budget. Trust me every single dollar will add up so don't worry about the little amount you can put away each month. In 25 years, you'll be so grateful you made this move.
Tip#5: Be consistent with Discipline & Get Children Involved:
I've learned from my own experience as a single mom that children thrive when they know which behaviors are expected of them, and which rules they need to follow. Especially, if you are raising your family alone without the help of the other parent. It helps the household run more smoothly, and in return decrease stress levels dramatically for the single parent.
If the other parent is involved, make sure that you two communicate and agree on methods of discipline so both sides respect one another and avoid conflict. There is no bigger stress for children than when they have to be caught in the middle of their parents' disagreements regarding their upbringing. So set a time to discuss all these things in private. Especially if both parents are not on the same page. Parenting children when both the mom and dad are separated is already challenging as it is for all parties involved. So it's of the up most importance that both parents find a way to put their differences aside for the sake of their children.
Another suggestion is getting the children involved in household chores. It not only makes them feel more important and needed, but by incorporating daily/weekly chores into their own daily routines it will help the household to run more smoothly. Thus, creating a happier, more peaceful and lets' not forget.....LESS Stressful living environment. Get them involved in helping make meals, and cleaning up afterwards, taking out the garbage, and even doing laundry. Encourage them early on to keep their rooms clean, and pick-up after themselves.
When they're younger (Ages 3-10) it helps keeping a chore reward sticker chart up as an incentive to get them excited on completing their tasks. They can be purchased at any learning store, Walmart, or Target stores. You can also create one on your own computer using a simple Microsoft program, or just create one with paper, markers and stickers. Make it unique and fun. A great way to get creative! Once they reach the maximum sticker award than give them a treat or a small award they'd enjoy. This is one of the best ways to begin establishing a daily/weekly chore routine in a household with young children.
Tip # 6: Be Honest With Your Children:
It's every parent's first instinct to protect their children from the truth in fear of it hurting or affecting them emotionally. After so many bedtime stories, it's easy to come up with a quick story when you are put on the spot, and have only seconds to react. But after careful research, and after many sleepless nights of reading online parenting newsletters, parenting books, and of course from my own experience being a mom for the past seven years. It seems many experts agree that being honest with your children, and answering their questions openly and honesty in a age-appropriate way is important. This will avoid less confusion with children moving forward, and they will feel like they can trust you more as a parent, and will be more in tuned to opening up and keeping less secrets from you .
It's also important to take the time to listen to your children, even if you don't like or disagree with what you hear. Hear them out completely, and try to rationalize the situation from all sides first before making any decisions, or holding any discussions. Ask questions if needed, but stay calm. Don't judge their thoughts, or shoot them down in a negative way. This will shoot down their self-esteem, and they'll begin shutting you out, and that's the last thing you want. As a parent, we need to understand where they are coming from, and then acting as a parent to resolve the situation (Not a Friend First!). This way children are less likely to keep emotions piled up inside, and the chances of them acting or lashing out will decrease.
If you need assistance in finding a way to talk to your children about certain questions that may come up. Please don't hesitate in reaching out to a teacher, pediatrician, child therapist, a family friend who's a parent and been there, or the local library or book store. Believe me when I tell you...now a days they have books on EVERY single parenting subject you can think of....trust me. You won't be disappointed.
In doing so, it will lead to less worry and stress for us parents. We will sleep easier at night knowing we can trust our children, and they can trust us. Communication is key....remember that. :)
Tip # 7: Take a Time Out for Yourself:
I've learned the hard way how draining it can be emotionally and physically, when you are constantly on the move throughout the day and fail to take time for yourself. For almost four years, I was on the constant grind of working full time hours (35-40 hrs a week), and attending classes four nights a week to finish my B.A. degree. My days began at 5:45 a.m. and ended at 1 a.m. and the only thing that kept me going on the toughest days was the inner strength I got from my daughter. I wanted more than anything to be able to provide for her regardless of how long I stayed single, and didn't want her to be cheated out of a good life just because her dad wasn't around. Most importantly, I wanted to be the one to set that good example of how important education is.
That was my primary focus throughout those years, but what I failed to acknowledge that throughout that journey of aiming for career success and financial stability. I failed to do one of the most important things in my life besides taking care of my little girl and being a good mom.....taking care of myself. It's so easy to lose yourself when you have so much responsibility, and so many people depending on you. But the truth is that our own personal happiness will reflect on our children. The happier and healthier we are in our lives, the happier and healthier our children will be. Your current mood will determine theirs b/c as a parent you are their motivator, protector, nurturer, and teacher.
So stop feeling guilty about taking a time out during the day, or week for yourself. Even if it takes some time away from your children. They may not like it at the time, but will later on realize the benefits. If you feel good about yourself, and are well rested the more likely that your day will go smoothly, because your positive energy will be elevated. Remember, even a few minutes a day can make a big difference.
I know this is probably easier said than done, but believe me when I tell you. When you set aside at least 20-minutes a day for yourself, it can really make a difference in the flow of your day. Below are a few ideas of a few ways I utilize my own "Time Outs" a.k.a. "Mommy Time".
* Reading-I love reading self-help, romance and fantasy novels. It's a great way to unwind at the end of a long day, and get my mind off things that are currently going on in my life. I don't know how anyone can go through life without reading a book once in a while.
*Listen to Music-One of my biggest passions is music. It's also one of the strongest tools to increase my creativity, and ideas. I honestly can not imagine my life without it. I do everything from writing, cooking, working out, cleaning, and showering with some sort of music playing. When I write: 80% of the time I have some sort of music playing in the background. Make sure if you are looking to elevate your mood that you listen to uplifting, dance music. It's been proven that musical melodies can immediately improve a persons mood. So go ahead tune up those beats and dance away for a few minutes. You'll thank me! :)
*Go for a walk in nature: park & around the neighborhood: There is something very uplifting about being outside in nature. When stress levels are high, and I just need to get out of the house for a bit driving has always been my ally, and still is. But in the last two years, I discovered that taking a walk or just surrounding myself with nature really helps me clear my head, and get into a better state of relaxation. I usually take Bella to the park in the Spring/Summer, and while she plays with her friends I sit and read or just write in my journal. It's a great way to meditate too.
*Exercise is also a very important part of my life. Yes I admit being an work-a-holic there's times where I've let this one fall on the back burner, but I'm in the process of adjusting my own life so this becomes a part of my daily routine indefinitely. Because physical exercise has been proven many times to help decrease stress hormones. If you can't afford gym memberships, take a walk around the track a few times at the local high/middle school, or around the block a few times. Take a class at a local YMCA, or any other family centers that are supported by the state or are non-profit. Most offer discounted classes or memberships, or financial scholarships for families of low or moderate income. Don't let the lack of money get in the way of your health. There's so many ways to get some sort of physical activity into your life without spending a dime, or for a very low-cost at least.
*Take a class of interest or hobby is another way to take time for yourself. Since I love to write, and have always has an interest in acting I'm always on the lookout for creative writing, and acting courses in my area. Lately I've been scrap booking a lot, and have been researching the different classes in my area as well. You are never too old to stop educating yourself. So whatever interests you have that you've put on the back burner due to lack of time or money, start taking action steps to take some sort of course, join a club or group involving that same interest now. Don't waste time thinking about how you are going to find the time to do it. Just do it, and let the "time" part work itself out.
Tip #8: Treat Kids like Kids, Adults like Adults:
In a single parent family, it becomes a natural habit to rely on the children for taking up extra responsibilities, or to rely on them for comfort, companionship or sympathy. Or try to make-up for the absent parent, and be a bit lenient with the rules, or act more like a friend than the parent. Most experts would agree that regardless of the situation, children thrive on discipline, and rules. But they also thrive when they are able to experience a childhood as normal as possible.
What I mean by this is that children don't have the normal emotional capacity needed to deal with the stress and emotions that comes with being an adult. Yet these days many children grow-up in households having to deal with these kinds of pressures. Since I was the oldest of my siblings, in a household where growing-up my parents spoke very little English, I know first-hand how much of an affect this kind of pressure can have on their childhood. I remember always feeling like I needed to take care of everyone; be the leader and protector.
My parents tried their best to give us the best childhood, and in fact there were many good memories. But when my parents where going through a tough time financially, and emotionally I felt it right along with them. I found myself a lot of times working over-time to shield my younger brother and sister from whatever was going on so it wouldn't have affected them. I felt it was my duty for being the oldest in the family. They depended on me to translate for them whenever they needed it, and even remember attending a few of my own teacher conferences with them. It was hard at times, but also a big part of who I am today. Which is why I think growing-up I always felt more inclined to hang out with the older crowd. It wasn't because I wanted to feel cool at all. It was because I felt I belonged better with an older age group, because of the more mature mentality I had for my current age.
A lot of times I noticed with outside family and friends that once they entered adulthood they weren't prepared to deal with the stress and responsibilities that came with it. Being the observant person that I am, I couldn't help noticing how they were raised by parents or guardians who didn't set rules or standards in the household that were age appropriate. Most of the time it seems this happened mostly with the youngest members of the family, or those families that consisted of just the one child.
So if there's any add'l advice I can give to single parents raising a family on their own. It's to let their kids be kids, and make sure the adults act and be treated as an adult. Set rules and boundaries, that are age appropriate, and make sure as a parent you remain consistent with those rules. Because as a parent I feel it is out duty to prepare our children for the real world, and in doing so means being honest with our children, listening to their needs, and setting rules and making sure they are followed. I can't imagine having my 35-year old daughter living with me because she can't keep a decent job, and still has no motivation to attend college, or get any type of job training. I see this happening all the time around me, and the parents blame their children's friends as bad influences, but a lot of times it's not just their friends that cause this problem. Most of the time it begins at home.
Tip #9: Stop Feeling So Guilty:
First off, there is nothing you can do about the past or anything you can do to change it. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's part of the whole learning process in this lifetime for every single human being. The past does not have power over your present unless you give it the power to do so. In other words, it doesn't have to define who you are in your present life. The person you wish to become in the future, and the person you are working towards being is what defines you.
There is a reason why life has shed the difficult task of raising children on your own, just like there's a reason why children are raised by a single parent. Whether we chose to believe in the unseen or not there's a positive in all the negative. We just have to open ourselves up to the possibilities of it all in order to see the whole picture. For some it can take minutes, or just hours. But for others it can take days, weeks, months, and even years to understand the reasons behind certain challenges, and events to come into our lives. But what we all have to remember is that every single event in our life, good or bad. It's a life lesson we have to pass in order to move on to the next until we reach our destiny or life purpose in life.
So there's no need to feel ashamed, sad or guilty for not being able to give your children what they want. And most importantly don't beat yourself up over any guilt you feel about the other absent parent, or the divorce. There's nothing you can do to change the past, but you do have the power to change the future at any given moment. Even right now as you read this. The moment you decide to do so you are a changed person. As long as you love your children unconditionally, and be there for them when they need you to comfort or listen to them....that's enough. Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. When you show your family that and really are doing the best you can...you have no reason to feel any guilt at all.
Tip # 10: Focus on the Positive & the Present Good:
For the past four years, I've become accustomed to waking up each morning, and just saying a prayer of gratitude for the brand new day. Before I go to bed at night, and usually right before I'm about to fall asleep, I say "Thanks" to God and the Universe for helping me get through the day. If something really good or exciting happened I give "Thanks". But regardless of the kind of day I had I always give thanks for the protection, safety, and great health of my family, friends, my daughter, my possessions, and myself. Ever since I began doing this my faith and positivity increased to a whole new level.
So I think that one of the key steps to reducing stress as a parent, and family is to focus on the positive, and not the negative. Instead of focusing on the things you don't have and/or need, focus on the things you do have in your life. Because no matter how bad things are there is not one person on this earth that doesn't have at least one thing to be grateful for in their lives. Just waking up each brand new day is something to be grateful for. Living in a safe neighborhood, having a great friend, or parents. Being healthy, and having healthy kids is a big thing in your life to be grateful for. When you focus on the positive and the good in your life you will be keeping your "feel good" mood elevated. And when you do that you are attracting more things to feel good about in your life. Thus, most likely the solution to whatever you were last stressed or worried about in your present situation.
When a negative thought pops into your mind (fear, worry, anger, resentment, jealousy, etc) don't beat yourself up about it either. Because as mentioned before it's a part of human nature to feel all these things when we go through things that are out of our control. Just make it a point to replace the negative thought (s) to positive ones. Use affirmations, focus on the good in your present to get your mind off of what's upsetting you, or watch what I call a "happy movie", and laugh a little. Take a much needed nap, go to the park with your children, or listen to music while putting away laundry, or making dinner. All these things can help in elevating your mood.
Remember a positive thought is a thousand times more affective than a negative thought. Your thoughts and feelings create your future so make sure you chose them carefully. If you want to improve your lifestyle, and want better security in your life, the first step is changing your thoughts. So the moment a glimmer of hope, or a good thought enters your mind....you've already been successful at beating the odds. When your children see you feeling good, and in a positive mood they'll feel better too. This leads to a happy, less stressful household! :)
Below is a great video I'm proud to share that has really helped me elevate my mood during a rough day. It was introduced to me by a friend a few months ago, and surprisingly enough it came into my life when I needed it the most. I hope it helps you in the same way it helped me, along with countless others.
A Knock at the Door by Angi Sullins
Thanks everyone!
JF
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