I woke up this morning like any other Saturday. At 10 am, three hours after my usual weekly wake up time. It's something I look forward too since every other day my day starts at 7 am. Usually I wake up feeling good and refreshed but the first emotion that sprang into action the moment my eyes opened was sadness in knowing that today marks the third year anniversary of the passing of my friend and her two beautiful children. She was one of the best person's I've ever known and it's been such a struggle for me the past few years to accept what happened and that for the rest of my life I'm going to feel like a part of me is missing. Heather became such a big part of my life in the sense that she taught me the importance of having patience and faith during the tough times.
Watching her struggle every single day raising those three kids on her own while dealing with a partner who was lost in his own world of drugs and alchohol abuse and dealing with his constant betrayals and lies was enough to drive anyone insane. But not my friend Heather, because she knew life was worth living no matter what her circumstances because of the three children god blessed her life with. She refused to let all those struggles bring her down and fought with every bone and fiber in her body until the end because to her it was all about her kids and she refused to give up on fighting for the freedom, happiness, peace, love and abundanc her and her children deservered. She used to always talk about the future in such a postive way and even though her current struggles were wearing her down affecting her confidence, self worth and even health she never gave up hope that one day she was going to reach that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow where the life she always dreamed of waited for her. I remember listening to her and wondering how could she still have all this hope and faith and have all these set goals for herself with everythign she's going thru. But I know now that its ' those very dreams, goals and never ending faith that kept her alive and sane for so long. It's how she got thru the day and it was her love for her children that kept those dreams and goals alive. She never stopped believing that there was a reason why god was putting her through all this. She knew her life had a purpose and meaning but she just didn't know what it was. She never demanded to know the answers because she knew when the time was right the answers will come.
Heather was such a beautiful person inside and out and had one of the warmest and giving heart of anyone I knew. Despite her struggles she always went out of her way to help others and was always worried about a friend or family even during the darkest moments in her life. I remember when her and I both applied for financial for the scholarship program at the YMCA at the same time. We actually filled out the apps together because I had planned to take a trip the next day since I had off from work to hand in the applications since Heather was working both her jobs that day adn wouldnt have the time to drop it off. Both of us making the same income I figured the chances of me getting assistance before she did were slim. She obviously was in more need then I was. She had three children, two of them younger then five. she was desperate to find a way to afford daycare so she could stop worrying about whether he was going to come home and be able to watch the kids during the day so she could work. she was the main bread winner of the household and since he hardly worked because he couldn't keep a job for longer then a few months because of his behavior, she had no choice but to depend on him to watch the kids during the day. When the scholarship letter came back mine was approved and hers was denied I remember thinking how could they deny someone who was in much more need then me. Same income but bigger family to support. I just couldn't understand it and even though I was grateful for the assistance becuase it helped me a great deal I felt such guilt in knowing I got the help I needed anad she didn't . Even despite that she didn't give up and continued to fill out the scholarship application every time they took new ones. She believed that if her difficult situation continued that somehow she was going to find the help she needed if she didn't give up. I would of never had the strength to continue moving forward the way she did.
I'll never forget a time when I was going thru a very difficult time with my daughter's father just finding out that the whole time he was with me he had a nother girlfirend who he was commited to marrying in Costa Rica waiting for him out there. This was after he had returned after Bella was born claiming how he wanted to make it work and make up for leaving me to deal with the pregnancy alone all this months. Once again he had me fooled and upon discovering the truth the devastation and shock that came with it felt like one of the darkest moments of my life where I felt it was the end for me because it just couldn't get any worse at that point. I was dealing with post partum depression and felt at every given moment i was going to break. I remember her being the first one I called and when she picked up she was driving around a very bad neighborhood in Plainfield looking for her partner who had disapeared for a few days so she could go to work the next day and not get fired.
She had been using vacation time to stay home with the kids. Supporting a family of four on an income making less then $40,000 a year wasn't easy and didn't leave much for being able to pay for daycare or babysitter expeneses. She couldl barely afford any gas as it was. And here she was wasting miles of gas looking for someone who was probably holed up somewhere indulging in one of his many drug binges or out partying frolicking with other women when his family needed him. when he should of been looking for a job after recently being fired for never showing up to work. It was devastating to hear her driving around in such a bad area at 10pm at night with her three children in tow looking for a man who didn't deserve to have the great family he had. Not wanting her to bother her with my problems because she obviously she a problem of her own I decided not to even bring it up and stayed on the phone with her refusing to get off until I knew she was back home safe.
During that two hour phone call IDK if she just had this gift of sensing or she knew me well enough to know by the sound of my voice when something was wrong. I believe honstly it was both. She automtacially went into concern friend and nuturing mode and plaqued me with questions until I gave in and told her what had happened. I was in such emotional turmoil and I hated talking bout my problems when she had bigger ones of her own. Because I knew that no matter what happened with my situation I'd be okay because I had such a supportive family. She spent the last hour or so on the phone listening to me and being the supportive and caring friend she was ensuring that it happned the way it did for a reason and that at the end I'll come out on top because I was the good person in it all. She taught me the importance of faith and trusting that God puts us thru ordeals and events to prepare us for the future and that only way that future won't end up somewhere good was if we changed our destiny by choosing the negative path in life. It was her who opened up my eyes and made me realize that we have the power to create the things we want in life and that we're are in control of our own destiny. Looking back I remember how death wasn't something Heather was afraid of because she believed no matter what happened she would end up somewhere good and how if that was the destiny that was meant for her that she was going to accept it. I hated hearing that of course especially someone who feared death the way I did. Which is why I can't help to wonder if somehow Heather knew that her time here on earth was limited and that her destiny might involve doing great things from above. Whenever she prayed for a way out she was never specific on how she wanted her way out to be. She put her total faith in God and trusted that where ever she ended up it would be someplace that will lead to the happiness, peace, love and freedom she deservered. Heather was the type of person who despite what she was going thru in her life she'd drop it all in a instant to be there for a friend or family member. I loved her so much for that and would never forget how shed always go out of the way to be the friend I needed even during the toughest times in her life. Sometimes I can't help to think, If only I had the strength she did I keep thinking if some of the worst times of my life could of been avoided. But I know that the past is the past and the present should only consist of thoughts of our future and how we want it to be. Nothing good can come from thinking about the negative events in the past and like time on a clock or dates in a year once its done and over with its done for good and there should be no looking back. So my biggest challenge now is working on moving forward with my life without letting my past interfere with my future. To only use my past to help me see how far I've come and increase my self worth. It's a working progress but its a goal I'm workiing on and hope to achieve in the near future.
Everyday people die of accident and violence, everyday we hear another family hearing the devastating news of a child, brother, sister, friend, father or mother dying in Iraq fighting for our country, everyday a family gets devastating news of a sickness or illness diagnoses. Here this man had a beautiful family of three small children who loved him dearly despite what they were putting their mother thru. All being healthy and smart. Instead of being so grateful for the wonderful gifts god has given him and doing what a father and loving partner should do and fight to build a better life for his family and being thankful for his own life he was wasting away in a dark hole that would never lead to anywhere good. This was a man who had the ability to do great things if he put his mind to it because he was a smart man and when he wasn't high on drugs or drunk he showed his good heart and had the ability to love his family and appreciate having such a good woman in his life. But he let substance abuse take over his life for whatever reason and little by little I had to watch him drag Heather and his family down with him while she fought against it with all she had. She wanted to save him, she wanted her kids to grow up with a father who was healthy and loving and she wanted the man she fell in love with back. She hated the person she had become but like me Heather felt the desire to want to save everyone and fix everything. When we all knew he wasn't going to change unless he admitted he had a problem and got help. That fight took over her life and my biggest regret is not fighting harder as her friend to give her the strength and motivation she needed to move on with her life without him. It's a thought that has plagued my mind all these years because I keep thinking maybe if I did she might still be here today by my side. I believe she's in a far better place then we can imagine now but I still can't help to think a whole bunch of " what ifs'" during the moments I'd do anything just to hear her voice, see her smile or feel the love that came with the friendship we shared. She always talked about how one day she hoped to do something where she can share her story and help other struggling single parents. Believing that was the reason why she accepted the difficult life she was living.
When I think about my own life and past struggles and where I am today I think back to all the long conversations we had on the importance of setting dreams and goals for yourself no matter what and how there is a reason why we're put through certain situations or events in our lives and that at the end it all works out somehow the way its' supposed to even if we have a hard time understanding why it ended up the way it did. But hopefully when that time comes the reason for past events will start to make sense and we'll understand why we went thru what we did. I believe Heather's purpose for touch my life the way she did was to help me develop into the person I am today. Everything I witnessed her go thru, all the lessons she taught me, the good times we shared and the true friendship she gave me opened up my eyes to a lot of things and forced me to dig deep into my inner soul which led me on such an inspiring spiritual journey that ended up with me finding my self worth and discovering my hidden talents and the confidence and motivation I needed to move forward with all my goals and dreams. Without Heather I don't think I would of been on the journey I am now. Which is why I am so deterimined to not only reach success to improve my life and my family's life but to use my success to help others the way Heather helped me.
Since her passing life hasn't been easy, dealing with the anger, resentment, pain that has come with it but I'm hoping that somehow sharing my experiences and finding away to turn that anger, pain and resentment into something positve and building something to help other single parents that struggled or are struggling the way I have or the way Heather did would help me heal for the devastation of her loss. Finding a way to keep her memory alive and to honor the great person she was would help me move forward to build the life I've always wanted and hoped for. For I believe my life journey is a long one and that god has given me the gift of living a long life so I can create great things and help others. I can't change the past and I can't stop change from taking place but I can control what type of changes come into my life. I know in order to move on I have to let go of the pain and anger I feel revolving her death and the guilt of knowing that the pain I feel is 10x worse for her family and for those who knew her for alot longer that I have. So I'm moving forward with this project using Heather and all she's taught me as one of my biggest inspirations and I hope that she's looking down from heaven and seeing my accomplishments being proud of the person I have become and knowing she was part of that. I want her surviving son Noah to grow up knowing how special his mom was and how she not only touched the lives of her close family and friends because Heather came from a great family and I'm sure they'll make sure he grows up knowing all that but how her life here on earth had special purpose besides being a mother, daugther, sister, friend, cousin or sister-in-law. and that even after her death she's still alive in all our hearts and will continue to be so as I made a promise to Heather that someway somehow I was going to make sure the world knew about the special person she was.
Juggling being a single mom, trying to finish my novel and develop this television project my days are spent on phone calls, in front of the computer writing, networking, researching and working out at the gym! (Trying to get myself camera ready since word on the street is camara adds an extra ten pounds and we can't have that!!!! lol) I stay up late every night, sometimes until after 3am in the morning and wake up early and sometimes I wonder how I even manage to do all this with little sleep but believe that its' the inner strenghth of wanting all this to succeed more then anything in the world and knowing how much the success of this television project can help so many single parents out there and keeping Heather's memory alive is what keeps me going. I always knew that my life had a purpose other then being a daughter, mother and friend. My heart always told me that I was meant to do something big and even though when I was younger I struggled with the fact of feeling I had no talents and didn't understand why I felt such a big desire to do something big with my life when I had no big talent that was visible to me at the time but I know now that my talents where always there I just didn't have the confidence to do anything with it or the mental clarity to even notice it at the time because I was so caught up with the issues of in my life at that time that my mind wasn't open to receiving all the good things that god had to offer.
So now that I am where I am with my novel and development with this project series I understand why I was put through all the challenges, betrayals, hardships and tough life experiences in my life and the only regret I feel is questioning God as to why he was letting all these things happen and at some points even blaming him for giving me those experiences. There's a reason for everything I know that now and I'm sorry for every questioning his reasons behind it all. It all made me who I am today and for that i am so grateful because for the first time in all my life I am proud of who I am and want to share my story with the world and hopefully inspire other single parents who feel alone and lost with the difficult life of being a single parent to use their own experience and turn it into something positive. There are countless of single parents out there who have found success, there are countless rags to riches stories out there that inspire you beyond imagination. Its those very stories that have helped me get thru some of the toughest times during the development of this project. I read somewhere a while ago that all those who have found success and accumulated a great amount of wealth and happiness when through a great deal of struggles, disappointment, sadness and hardship before they accomplished it all.
That its where they felt they were in the point of their life where they felt things couldn't get any worse that they got there big break and finally saw the fruits of their labor, neverending faith and dedication pay off. That these very same people did a whole lot of dreaming, hoping, desiring, wishing and planning before they found the success and saw their goals and dreams come to life. I actually wrote this statement out on a piece of paper and posted it by my mirror and read it every morning, night and a few times during the day and it has helped me tremendously. Because believe me there have been times where I've questioned my actions: whether I'd ever see my reality series ever come to life. whether I was crazy to think that this could happen to me, if someone out there would really believe in my project as much as I do and be willing to dedicate their own time to helping make my dreams come true.
But these stories have helped me keep my dreams alive and for that I am so grateful and hope that one day (hopefully soon!) I can be another success story added to that list and be the main inspiration to helping others accomplish those dreams. There are good people out there who would be willing to go out of their way to help you as there are people who try to play on your weaknesses and take advantage of you. Of course that means you'd have to be careful not to let those people in to your life but if you have the right amount of faith and knowledge and belief that your dreams are possible and that its' most likely your heart telling you what you should be doing with you life, believe me God and the Universe will bring all those great people into your life. I know because it happened to me.
When I started this project I had no idea how I was going to make it happen because I had no connections to the industry and didn't know the first thing about developing a television project. Really it took me a while to even move forward with this because I've had so many disappoints in my life that I didn't want to put myself thru another one. I lost my job unexpectedly, child support payments weren't comming in, and I was fighting my demons and trying to conquer my issues with self esteem and finding my self confidence and self worth again. (Another post will be dedicated to his topic soon). On top of that I've been dealing with my dad's deteriorating health issues and my mom worrying about $$ and how we'll make it if god forbid something happened to him.
Being the oldest of my sibblings, I've always felt like the nurturer and protector of my family always wanting to step in and make everything better especially for my family. It's a burden I feel responsible for because I don't think I'd have it any other way. I want to have the power to take care of my family financially and emotionally if god forbid something were to happen. I don't want my mom to have to worry about me, my brother or sister. I want to have the power to take care of it all because they took care of me when I needed them the most and no one else would help. And most importantly because my family is all I have and I don't know what I would do without them. We've always taken care of each other and I hope I can one day repay my parents for what they have done for them in a way that they can sit back and be proud of all the sacrafices they made and all the difficulties and challenges they themselves went thru to ensure my siblings and I had it all.
So even though today is a sad day for me because it marks another year that passed since the death of Heather, Angelina and Tubal Jr. I know in my heart that they are still with me today and that the friendship and bond Heather and I shared during the years I was blessed to of known her, is still as real today as it was when she was alive. That even as I sit her and write this she's sitting next to me reading every single word on this page and knowing how important she was to me and how much I cherished our friendship.
Thank you Heather for being my friend and accepting me for who I was.
Thank you for never judging me
Thank you for helping me become a better mother
Thank you for all the help and guidance you give me from Heaven
Thank you for the protection and love you send me
and thank you for comming into my life and blessing it the way you did.
I love you Heather, Angelina and Tubal Jr. and will live my life keeping all our good memories alive
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