Anger & Fustration of a Single Mom

Yesterday was like any other ordinary Sunday. While my parents took Izzy to church, I fit in an hour of cardio running on the treadmill, laundry and cleaning. The air outside was cooler then expected for an April spring day as it seems like at any moment it would rain. I guess I shouldn't be as disappointed since this is the one month of the year where we're supposed to be getting the most rain but I can't help it.....I am. What was even more disappointing was when I got a call from Izzy after mass asking if it was okay to stop by her dad's house on the way home to visit her twin baby brother and sister. They had seen her father's uncle and aunt at church and both said how they were going to head over there after mass to visit with them and that prompted Izzy to want the same. My first thought was, "No definitley not because he hasn't called in months and showing up to his house invited is wrong." But then I tried to put my self in my little girls shoes and imagining how high my own desire would be to have an established relationship with my own brother and sister. At that point I couldn't say "no".

Thank goodness for my parents' willingness to take her over there because I know I wouldn't of just showed up at this doorstep like that. I know they were doing if my Izzy and for no other reason. Our daughter will be seven in another month and since she was born we have lived a mere few miles apart and less then 10 min car ride away from one another and he has never made a constant effort to be a part of his daughter's life. The funny part in this whole situation is how he blames me for his absence in her life. Can you believe that?? He blames me....stupid dumb ass!!!!

I remember during one arguement years ago when Izzy was still a baby he said to me...."It is your responsibility as mother that you make sure I remain a part of her life by not shutting me out!" I tried putting all my anger and hurt towards him aside for our daughter sake because I wanted her to have a constant father figure in her life but he never met me half way and did his part. Honest to god I tried my best to keep him a part of her life and encouraged him to be there. I invited her to all her dance recitals for the past four years of dance, all her birthday parties and important school events and never once did he show up. NOT ONCE!!!! When Izzy dance school last year danced at the town bike festival in town he miracoulously showed up for that but we all know it was only because he was already there and lived right down the street!!!! I even got Izzy a cell phone so he'd be able to call her without having to go through me if that would make it easier for him to stay in touch with her. I know he hates talking to me now because I don't let him walk all over me the way he used to. I speak my mind and let him know how I feel and he hates hearing the truth so he avoids me now at all costs. When his twins were born.....he didn't even call Izzy to let her know she had a brother and sister....what loving and dedicated father would do that!

I mean seriously! What else as a mother can I do to encourage him to be there? After a while I'm going to naturally get fed up with his broken promises and stop trying. This isn't how I wanted it to be for our daughter. I wanted more then anything for him to remain an important part of her life but being a parent is learning to co-parent with the other one. And Anthony doesn't know the first thing about that. He is so lost in his own world of lies, self destruction, drug use, betrayal and emotional abuse that he has no idea how to be a good parent. My only hope at this point that he gets himself together for his infant twins because goodness can you imagine how growing up with an emotinally disturbed father would be? God only knows. So in a sense out of all three in my opinion my our daughter is the lucky one. Because she won't be growing up around all that negativity and for that I am so grateful.

The point is that a six year old should never have to go out of her way and make the constant effort to visit with her dad. She should never be put in a position where she has to be the one to do the seeking and she shouldn't have to make uninvited visits to his house to see her baby brother and sister. It's wrong because she's a child and she shouldn't have to feel like her father doesn't love her enough to make the effort to seek her. It makes me so mad when I think about it to a point where boiling flames seem to ignite inside me with full force.

There are so many great dads out there who do right by there children even after a divorce or separation. Anthony could learn so much from them on being a parent.

Jessica F.