My Princess

My Princess Isabella


By: Jessica Fernandez

Written: October 7, 2009


My princess Isabella so beautiful and sweet

The excitement and joy at the sound of your heart beat

You arrived at the most perfect time in my life

As your existence ended my wild nightlife


The morning you were born was a hot, musty day

A great way to start a great Sunday

When the moment arrived to hold you in my arms

My mother instincts kicked in like a charm


For the moment you looked up at me with your beautiful brown eyes

Your quick smirk and smile just took me by surprise

I knew at that moment that my life has forever changed

It seemed so natural and not so strange


You are my princess, my life and joy

Just watching you sleep was a scene to enjoy

I love you more than the moon and stars in the sky

That is why it was so easy to kiss my old, crazy life goodbye


Isabella you are my princess, my love and my soul

Having you in my life has made me whole

As you grow older, more beautiful and wiser

I know in my heart that you will just make me prouder


Your personality is so precious, unique, energetic and so sweet

A promise you make is one you always keep

There is no doubt in my mind that you will accomplish great things

And be a great role model to all your younger siblings


No matter you life path remember me always

For I am your mother and you are my daughter

The bond we share is like no other

For those who get jealous and try to break us apart

They should know not to bother

Because we share a tight bond


For you are my princess from birth till forever

Nothing will ever change my never-ending great love for you

No matter the mistakes, hurt and tears you may cause

Together we will find a way to belong


I love you my sweet princess Isabella for you are my song

That gets me through each day both short and/or long.

Your sweet voice and smile is enough to make me smile

And calm all my stress and full blown tension

At the end of the day when you give me a great big hug

My love for you grows so strong that it’s addicting just like a bad drug


Just remember when you wake up to each brand new day

That you have a great mommy who loves you despite your flaws

For we all have them whether we like them or not

I can’t explain why it is just a because

No matter what I will love you the same

Because my happiness started when you came


I love you my sweet princess for all of eternity

Love Mommy'


This was a poem written for my daughter of course during one of the many sleepless nights I spent writing and thinking about the past events that lead to me becomming a single mom. I remember all throughout high school when my friends and I talked about marriage and having children. My response was always that  I wanted to have children young so when they were older I'd be able to keep up with them. So when I found out I was pregnant at 20 years old it shouldn't of come as a surprise but to be honest I was shocked beyond belief. But looking back now at all the events that led up to my pregnancy, it becomes clear as day to me that having my daughter so young was an event that I had planned out in my mind years before. I always felt the desire to be a young mom and I always yearned for that unconditional love and affection that a child always brings into ones' life.

Growing up I kept such a distance from my family struggling with  the emotions of feeling lilke I didn't belong and that they didn't understand me or anything that I was going through. My sister and I then were barely on speaking terms and my llittle brother......well back then to me he was just there. I kept so much of my emotions, pain and anger hidden inside because of the fear of not being understood. That very pain is what led to years of destructive behavior and physical abuse that I myself inflicted. All because I felt unloved and unworthy of anything good. I went through a series of relationships wanting to find the love and affection I felt my parents never gave me and the attention from friends and those around me to replace the lack of attention back home. But at the end it all led me into a deeper, darker hole of pain, anger, resentment and added betrayal from both friends and boyfriends. I remember how I used to beg god to take me out of my misery and at some points even felt resentment towards the negativity that surrounded me.

Despite everything I was going through I knew deep inside I was a good-hearted person who if given the chance could do great things. Being so young and naive during my teen years I just accepted that some people were brought into this world to be happy and some were brought into the world to suffer and I was convinced I was born to suffer. As hard as it is to say this now because of where I am now spiritually......I hated and resented God for letting all the bad events come into my life because I felt like I didn't deserve it. During the few good moments where I felt a brush of fresh air and felt a tint of happiness flow into my life and felt like I was in a good place for once.....I remember how it was during those happy moments where everything seemed to be falling into place the right way and the good feelings of hope and happiness began to set in. But the moment something bad happened: a betrayal from a boy or a friend, an argument with my parents or the receipt of bad news, I'd fall right back into that dark hole again and left with the struggle of having to find a way to dig myself out again. Those were the darkest moments of my life and one that I would never wish to go back to even if I was offered a million dollars.

Thankfully as I got older I began to see the light and when I thought back to all the things I had went through in my younger years, I realized that all of the past events good or bad were a part of who I was at the present moment. There is truth to every word when I say that when life brings you the biggest challenges that lead to pain, anger, sadness and resentment you have a choice to either let it break you or make you stronger and that nothing good can come from letting even the worst events in your life bring you down because the only way to survive in life is to keep moving forward or in other words "up".

If only I was smart enough during my teen years to realize all this right? It would of saved me alot of pain and alot of mistakes could have been avoided. the bad decisions with relationships and friends could of all been avoided and I'd be in a different place in my life. The reality is that up until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was still in a place where I felt lost, alone and misunderstood. I still struggled with relationships and friendships and I still struggled with finding my own self-worth. I still felt I was living in a place where I didn't fit in and that bothered me tremendously because it wasn't what I wanted for myself. I wanted happiness, love, success and the financial security most people long for in their lives. I daydreamed about my happy life constantly and how when I became a mom I'd make sure my children grow up knowing they are loved and teach them the importance of loving themselves for who they are. As much as I hate to admit this, because I love my parents dearly.......but they never made sure that growing up I valued the person I was and never taught me the importance of loving myself and believing in my dreams no matter how crazy they seemed to be.  The only issue with believing in my deep desire to have a happy life was the struggle with believing I was worthy enough to have it all.

When I experienced the miracle of pregnancy and felt what seemed like the wings of butterflys fluttering like crazy in my stomache, I knew that my life had more meaning and that I indeed had a bigger purpose in life. It amazed me how the moment I discovered I had conceived and had my little Bella growing inside of me, that the love I felt for her was greater then any type of love that I had experienced before and every month that she grew and my stomache grew, the bond we shared grew even bigger. I didn't know at that moment still what the full contents of my life purpose would be but I did know that part of it was to be a mother. Once again looking back to my teen years, I realized how all along I knew that one of my biggest purposes in life was to be a mother and now that I was going to be one there was no going back to the way my life used to be and that I needed to start making changes in my life. Because it wasn't just about me anymore.....it was about us.

Even though my journey of pregnancy was one that I had to go through alone since her father had taken off a few days after I told him I was pregnant and refused to have an abortion, I still felt a wave of strength and determination within me to keep moving forward in a positive way. I began communicating with my family more and digging deep into my own issues with myself and valuing the person I was born to be. I wanted to be good for my daughter and set a good example for her and I knew that in order to do that I needed to come to terms with my past, forgive those who have betrayed and hurt me and most importantly forgive myself for my own past mistakes. The journey to finding that good, happy place was a long one and to be honest that journey continues still today as I am still trying to find a way to release the past completly but am happy to say that I have made alot of progress in the sense that I now am beginning to understand why certain events were brought into my life and why I was put through such tough trials.

For all those dark moments in my past made me the woman I am today and for the first time in all my life I am proud and content with who I am. I feel like my past was preparing me for my future--one where I would accomplish great things and be happy with the love, wealth, success, peace and happiness that's now comming into my life. For now when I enter my new life of endless happiness I can look back at my past and go over my past struggles and pain and feel proud of myself for how far I have come. I realize now that there really is a reason for everything that comes into your lfie good or bad and its' up to you whether you chose the positve path or the negative path. I am living proof among millions of others out there who have shared their rags to riches stories or stories of finding faith and happiness, that nothing good can come from going down the negative path. So no matter how bad things may seem in the present moment, no mattter how much pain, anger or resentment you feel at any given moment....you must train yourself to believe that something good and positve will result in the outcome.

There's this famous Marilyn Monroe quote that I just love because it summarizes in just a few short sentences why life brings certain hardships and challenges into one's life. Whenever I go through a difficult time and stress arises I always find myself thinking back to to this quote among countless others that I post on my website. But this one quote really brings it all together in terms of helping those who read it understand that all things do happen for a reason and that the primary reason would never result in anything bad unles you make the decision consiously or unconsciously to make the wrong choices or choose the negative path.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

Ms. Marilyn Monroe was a very smart woman and its' ashamed that so many people doubted her intelligence because of her natural beauty and sex symbol status. Even though she had a tough upbringing she rised above it all and made a name for herself and pursued her dreams of becomming a model and actress. If it weren't for all the constant people in her life trying to bring her down, there's no doubt in my mind that she would of accomplished so much more in life. I see so much of myself in Marilyn Monroe...she had big dreams and goals just like I do and when I think about the difficult life she lived and how she used it all as motivation to make her stronger and build a better life for herself, I begin to think how I too could use my past struggles as the motivation to build a better future for myself and my daughter.


That maybe I was meant to go through all the things I went through because my life purpose in life was to share my story with the world and help others who are going through similar things. Maybe there is a woman out there who will be in the darkest moment of her life, and who will be at the right place at the right time listening to me tell my story on Oprah or to Barbara Walters, or walk accross a news stand with a newspaper or magazine article about me, or find my inspiratonal or biography book on sale at a book store she goes to and just know that her comming accross my story meant something. I've had alot of these types of moments in my life which I will talk about in another post later on.


I believe with all my heart that my past means something so much more then just what it is, "MY PAST". There's something powerful in the feeling of knowing you used your own knowledge, power and experience to help others. One of the parts of me that I'm so grateful for is my big heart and desire to give back and make a difference. Not only because you get back so much more when you give because you are telling the universe you have more then enough, but because its' such a great feeling in the depth of ones' soul to know that you are the reason why that person is smiling and feeling better about themselves. I hope that with the launch of my single mom reality series that I'll be able to help other single parents out there who are lost in a world they feel isn't their own and see the good in themselves and how life is worth living. How each person has has the power to create their own lives and that every dream or goal that enters your mind without a doubt can be achieved....if not then the thought wouldn't ever exist.


As I think about all this while writing the poem above for my daughter Isabella, I am overwhelmed with emotions of tears full of such relief, gratitude and joy that now I understand why my life consisted of all the bad events it did. That all the mistakes I made, all the bad things I said, all the people I hurt because of my own anger and fustrtion all were things that were meant to happen because it led to the knowledge, inspirations and goals I have today. That my life always had meaning and that I do have many creative talents that only went unnoticed in my younger years because of how lost I was in my own misery. But as I watch my daughter sleep next to me now while I'm writing this blog post, listening to her breath rhythmically and watching her smile in her sleep as she dreams happily in the very same way I did last year back in October when I wrote the poem above. I realize how blessed I am to have this precious little girl in my life.


That despite the circumstances that lead to me becomming a single mom, I was so proud to be a mom and so grateful that my little girl came into my life when she did. I always knew I wanted to be a young mom but never specified the age when I talked about it. For young to me was in my early to mid 30's to be honest. I never imagine having a child in my 20's at all and I never thought about being a single parent before I actually became one. But if given the chance to go back and change any events of the past--I wouldn't change one thing. For it all made me stronger and wiser and becomming a single mom made me a better person. I may have been young when I had my daughter at 21-years old, during a time in my life where I was supposed to be celebrating my adulthood of being able to legally drink and all.


But there isn't anything I would change at all about how she came into my life. For in my eyes she saved me from a continued path of self-destruction and negativity. My princess Isabella taught me one of the most important lessons in life even though she's too young to realize it now. She taught me to love and value myself as a woman, sister, daughter, friend and mother. She showed me what unconditional love felt like for the first time in my whole life by loving me despite my faults and mistakes and her continued presence in my life is the most precious and biggest blessing in my life. If I had to go through my past life all over again, including the bad relationship with her father which I knew was doomed from the start to continue having this beautiful life with my little girl, I would live it all over again as many times as needed, because when I try to think what my life would be like without my daughter--the movie screen in my head goes blank.


The role of being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world but also the most challenging. I'm sure that all parents can agree to this statement. But when you have to do it alone, playing both roles of "mom" and "dad" that challenge becomes 10x harder. The good part is that it becomes twice as rewarding.:)


My little Bella and I, we're a team and as I move into this new phase in my life where all my dreams of successs, wealth, happiness, peace, great health and abundance becomes a reality; where hopefully a good marriage awaits me with the perfect soul mate and father figure for Bella along with more beautiful and healthy children. I feel so blessed to know that it's a journey that I won't take alone as my side is my beautiful and precious "Princess Isabella".


Jessica F.